To Live and Be OK with Having Lived

8/11 Escapism

I just remembered a bar/grill that was open late until 2am at my college. There’s quietness but also commotion knowing that people are up at this hour. I *think* I’ll order a strawberry milkshake and wait a really long time for it to be made. Of course, I can't really do that now.

8/12 Drawing

Been drawing more lately! I go through periods where I really hate it. I think I don’t hate it today. It feels peaceful. I think sometimes I lose sight of who I am and I wish it was more consistent.

8/12 Fortune

“You may have a fantastic opportunity soon — be open to it.” I wonder if this opportunity is just me having a paradigm shift. Somehow, I know that is coming…Or is it a real, “seize the opportunity” kind of thing? Please do tell me!!

8/13 Superstition

Before I stepped outside today, I had a brief moment where I debated changing the daily shoes I wear. I paused and looked. I decided against it. It felt like a change would somehow bring back luck. No, I wouldn’t risk it. Perhaps I’ve been a bit superstitious!

8/13 Waiting

Sometimes I feel like I waste my time waiting. Perhaps it’s good if the waiting lets me learn something, but sometimes it doesn’t. Is it really that much disimilar to doomscrolling? Hmm… I wish I was out enjoying life! Maybe soon I will.

8/14 Routine

Good morning! There is something dreadful about routine… or perhaps numbing. I look for ways to feel more alive before starting the day. I’m grateful for my 10 minute walk to school. I want to wake up and have time to compose myself, to break a routine. It’s the moment you stare down the edge of a pool waiting to take a cold plunge. You do it everyday, but there’s slight variations in how.

8/14 Pain

I can barely think since my tongue is on fire from buldak noodles. I wonder why humans crave things that bring them pain? After the burning stops, and you’ve wiped away your tears and snot, there is a glowing warmness. Everything feels clearer.

8/15 Elevator

I sometimes choose the elevator instead of the stairs. Surely, the stairs are a healthier option. But there’s something captivating about being stuck in a small room and transported to a different location. Someone from the Middle Ages might say it’s magic.

8/16 Blueberries

Some things are just better frozen! When a blueberry has crystallized, the soft crunch between your teeth is much more satisfying than its room temperature counterpart. I cannot eat yogurt without regular blueberries again… it becomes too homogenous and mushy. Hmmm. That’s all.

8/17 Wish

I often wish for someone or something to save me. Some idol that I can worship and devote my life to. I hope that it isn’t material pleasure! And so, I wonder if it is myself. But I cannot guide myself if I don’t know the direction to take. In my desperate search, I may end up taking every path. Perhaps that is human nature.

8/17 Self-Portrait

I never had a desire to draw self portraits. My body is ever changing, it’s never constant. In my mind, the abstract “self” does not come to my imagination in terms of physical appearance. I have a disdain for permanence in a way… drawing a picture feels like solidifying it. I cannot really erase the body’s existence though. In the end, there is nothing negative about that.

8/18 Philosophy

I don’t know the schools of thought on philosophy or the label of where I stand. I do not find it a meaningless pursuit however, because clearly I think about it a lot. Still, the purpose in life is convoluted and hard to derive even if you think about it a great deal…but that is just how it is. Not everyone can understand you or your character, but sometimes it is disheartening to experience if it comes from those who are close to you.

8/18 Desire

The cause of a lot of human suffering is our devotion to worldly attachments. This much is clear… one day we will die and it will all cease. Should we deprive ourselves of worldly pleasures? Probably not! But that is not an excuse to be undisciplined. It’s fine to want and enjoy things, but letting desire consume your mind causes a lot of grief.

8/19 Pumpkins

Today I tried to cook a Kabocha for the first time. I baked it for 25 minutes to soften its hard skin, then I spent a great deal of effort hacking it into pieces. I steamed a few and decided to freeze the rest. When I put them in a plastic bag, I accidentally set it on the hot stove top and it ripped. They fell on the floor. Oh well, I washed the floor pumpkins and decided to deal with it another time. I spent some time mopping and cleaning the dishes. I tried a piece of my pumpkin. It tasted really bad.

8/19 Fortune #2

Do you think the fortune inside a fortune cookie changes depending on who opens it? The fortunes I had lately have said the same thing. “You will soon gain something you have always desired.” Is it too early to say that I know “something” is coming? I don’t know what it is, but I know that I’m in a transitional period. It will happen, I’m sure of it.

8/19 Fees

The fees for imported goods from Japan will be 15% soon. I hardly have a week left if I want to buy things without the tariff. It’s making me itch to get that thing I wanted, even though I know it’s just because of this happening. It’s not that I wanted the item any more than I did before. Ah, decisions.

8/20 Secondhand Smoke

I love a whiff of secondhand smoke. Not any more than that, but just a passing trace. The same thing with incense. I don’t think I can stand either of these things in long duration. Well, it’s a bit like how you’ll get sick of too much of a good thing. Uh…you can’t call a cigarette a good thing. But that’s why it’s a guilty pleasure.

8/20 Sweets

I love a good sweet treat. I didn’t always like them, especially as a kid. Now I really savor the desserts I get to eat. A lemon cake. Sour gummies. Banana soft serve ice cream. Homemade pancakes. Chocolate with almonds. Yep, I really enjoy it!

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